“the past still haunts my present”

The past is still lingering in my present though I can’t reveal it. Not that am too secretive but the fact that I have to say it loud kills me silently. Am always lost inside my head trying to figure out who to trust again. Am lost from reality to my thoughts.

My friend always asks if am okay. I look up in her eyes, open my lips to tell her―am not, to tell her my mind is soon blowing, to tell her my head is a mess but the words stop in my throat.

Maybe am to blame, or maybe not. My soul is lost in terrible loneliness, in eeriee silence. Am in a daze, not knowing what to do. I want so much to share it but I dont know if they will still love me, I dont know if they wont judge me.
The pains are taking so much of me, I dont really know how to console myself. The fear of trusting someone again overrides me. I cant seem to trust another now.

My trust was shattered, my love was neither valued nor respected, my heart was crashed to several pieces. I know these people are now different from the ones in the past but the fact that the past is still in my present makes it difficult for me to trust again.

I want to tell my friend that I trust her more than she expects me to. But I can't. I don't know if the wound is still raw though time seems to have flown.

Maybe I still need a little more time to heal from the wounds of the past, one day when I make up my mind, I will tell her its not about trusting her but its about the pain from the past.

Maybe I one day at a time, i will be able to open up to her and tell her everything but i need to heal first and learn how to trust again. I know many is buried in my head that needs to be said but not today,

Probably, when the fear of the broken trust stops haunting me.